Do They Make 5 Minute Hair Color?

This is a serious question. "Do they make 5 minute hair color?"
And if they don't, please try to answer my next question... "Why am I stupid?"

Backstory: My hair was totally beautiful blonde when I was younger. My hair turned a nice redish dark blonde around high school. In college it was a dark blonde with reddish highlights. By post college it was dishwater blonde with dark red streaks.

Beatiful - Pretty - Cute - Dumpy. That is my "Hair History."

I started coloring it around the "Dishwater" stage. I've colored it strawberry blonde, champange blonde, golden blonde... oodles of different blondes. But every product still takes precisly 30 minutes to color your hair.

I can get through the first 10 minutes no problem. At that point I initiate the "Household Warning System" by saying "Okay everyone, in precisly 10 minutes I have to spread the color from my roots to the rest of my hair. If you need anything, ask it now."

Nothing. No answers. I might as well talk to the wall. 9 minutes go by. The "Household Warning System" goes to red alert. "Okay... you have one minute, then I need to finish my hair!"


30 seconds go by and I dared to dream of a peaceful hair experience.

In the last 30 seconds of my "Operational Window To Complete Hair Coloring" Abby needed water, the cats climbed up my pants to beg for crunchies, the dog whined at the door threatening to pee if I didn't let her out, and last..... the last three seconds as I sprint to the bathroom to finish the job, my husband goes in there, shuts the door, and announces that he's having his own emergency and can't open the door for a few minutes.

10 minutes go by. It's too late. I have to wash the 'root coloring' out.

The top of my hair is now a different color than the rest of it.

And so I ask you, kind readers.... Do they make a 5 minute hair color, and if not, will you please tell me why I was stupid enough to try and do a time sensitive project FOR ME while everyone else was still awake in the house?